I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
my liver is dry heaving
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
