wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
when she was cumming she looked like terri schiavo. it took all of my memorized porn images to not go limp.
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
