Where are you?
In a non slutty way
People with herpes should wear stickers.
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
Another weekend, another 3 guys I have to awkwardly avoid while crossing campus...
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Randomize
