Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
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