I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
Randomize
