11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
At Wal-Mart last night I watched two guys scramble for $4.34 to pay for a pack of ping pong balls and red solo cups. They had to put the .34 on a credit card. Winter break begins!
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize