Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
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