Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
Even tho I saw his penis. He is still a really nice guy.
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
I don't remember much but I remember it was a unanimous decision that Santa was indeed real and Cait's stripping somehow proved this.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
Randomize
