your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
Randomize
