If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
