so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
Randomize
