If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
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