I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
grandma shit on top of the toilet
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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