you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
its not facebook stalking, its market reasearch
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
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