Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
Randomize