I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
Randomize
