woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
Randomize
