he just said he was sorry he wasnt been able to come by more often coz things are really crazy with that girl
you mean his girlfriend
Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
