I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
