Just saw truck nuts on a handicap conversion van
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
Hopefully the semester will be over before she has a breakout. Then I can just avoid the situation entirely
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
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