with your own penis?
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
her bf's celebrating 10 yrs of service at kfc...it's safe to say all the good men are taken
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
Randomize
