I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
Randomize
