he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
Randomize
