I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
I love that we get drink and call each other crying. It's kind of our thing.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
2011 senior yearbook drinking game. we're taking a shot whenever some dumbass uses that quote about how life isn't isn't about the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away. also that retarded wayne gretzky one about missing shots you don't take.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
Those nachos came to me in a dream
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
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