i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
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