why did u let me go home with him last night?
u were determined it was a good idea
I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
People in love make me want to vomit
My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
