you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
Randomize
