I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
This girl is very crazy
She's one of those compassionate ppl
So everything I said on this seemingly endless date offended her
oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
Randomize
