The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
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