i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
Weer fine. went to buiy cigxs, but hes theonly one waering shoes. He caem out wti chicke fingers instead. whatecer, there th 8 dollar kind.
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
sounds like it. if it makes you feel better i blew up a $75000 farm tractor last night.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
Randomize
