Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
Desperately trying not to throw up over the side of the ferry back to CT. Can't be the first one of the season.
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Randomize
