If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
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