I don't usually arrange sex via text message
so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
i stapled my math hw together with an ear ring, too ghetto?
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
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