Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
Randomize
