It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
Randomize
