I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
Randomize
