just found the deal breaker
hairy back?
he can't live within 1000 ft of a school
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
i'm the most scandalous girl at stop and shop. i kinda have to fuck him in the meat cooler.
Randomize
