I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
Randomize
