Lol speaking of weird...he just sent me a naked pic of himself that said "meow" at the bottom.
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
I'm really proud of her, she waited until she was on tiled floor to start puking on the ground
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
Holy sore nipples Batman
Randomize
