I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
It's a classy one I promise! Their toilets are cushioned an tier wifi is named hummingbird
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
Randomize
