Yeah but his hole really smells sometimes
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
Only you would think wine and coffee was an acceptable finals study time mix
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
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