i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
