I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
Randomize
