My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
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