If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
Well still if someone cared enough about u to wish an unwanted child or a disease on u ..u must have been doing something right
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
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