I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
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