Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Randomize
