i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
All I want is some guy to eat me out while I work on grad school things then go on his way
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
Randomize
