im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
Inquiring minds want to know if your Bf is circumcised
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
Come share oat with me in your robe
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
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