my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
Randomize
