I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
Pornhub is actually a very wholesome website
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