just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
His body is just chiseled out of sex. I would let that man do anything to my body. Including fuck me while my parents watch
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
Randomize
