Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
Randomize
