I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
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