I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
After she saw a msg in his phone from me that listed the reasons why I love his cock, I don't think I can deny fucking her ex.
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
Randomize
