I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
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