I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
It's official drugs can't kill me
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
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