I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
So we came to a decision, you need to fuck your hot roommate and send us pictures. We voted, so don't hate the democracy this great country stands for
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
HE HAS CHALLENGED MY BADNESS. I MUST CONQUER ALL THAT QUESTIONS MY POWER. BRING FORTH THE TIT PICS.
Btw, I feel the need to make sure we have no misunderstanding about this. So here goes. I'll happily mess around with you again. However, I probably won't do it while you're dressed like a creepy clown. Or any clown.
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
Randomize
