Where are you?
In a non slutty way
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
HAH. HARRY POTTER CASUAL CONVO HAS BEEN EXTENDED TO DISCUSSING WEATHER. SO PRO
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
Randomize
